And now, the end is near, and so I face the final currrrrrrrrrrtain...

Sorry. I know I've got a terrible singing voice.

Blog Every Day in May has come to an end, and I learned some stuff!

BEDM is seriously motivating. Although I didn't post every single day (see below) I managed to 20 which I think is pretty good going, especially because before May I'd only managed to post 10 times this year!
It doesn't matter if you don't stick to the rules. I started the month off determined to post every day, and racked my brains to think of ways to stick to the topic. After a week or so I ended up missing a couple of days... and nothing terrible happened. It became much more fun when I  gave up on the rules (and anyway, I'm trying not to care about what people think of me)!
Blogging shouldn't be a chore. About halfway through the month I did start to feel a bit stressed about the fact that I didn't have time to read and comment much (I get stressed easily!). I gave myself a good talking to and remembered that it's supposed to be fun. I have a lot of admiration for bloggers like Corrine who manage to work full time, post almost every day and engage with their followers, but that's just not for me!
I should write 'heavy' posts more often. I've often found myself avoiding writing longer posts about more serious topics; partly because it felt too much like hard work, and partly because I worried that I didn't really have anything particularly clever or insightful to say. However, my post-election-rage-fuelled post about mental health funding went down very well, and that has definitely encouraged me to try and write more posts in the same vein.
I love Internet People*. BEDM pushed me to comment more, tweet more and generally engage more online. This has reminded me of how awesome my internetz friendz are... Twitter was the perfect post-election support group, and made for the perfect Eurovision party. The internet: making introverts enjoy 'socialising' since 1999.
BEDM is great for discovering new blogs (and bloggers). So...

Here are a few of the ace new blogs I discovered through #BEDM:

Is That You Darling I love Jane's book-themed posts, and I'm hoping to do a little collaborative post soon!
Zusterschap Collective A feminist lifestyle blog that hosts contributions based on a monthly theme. Funny and refreshing... May's theme was women's bodies and I've been nodding along in agreement a lot!
KezzieAG and Nomad Seeks Home. Two funny, unpretentious diary/lifestyle blogs. I love finding and reading blogs like these!

...there are many more and I'll definitely be continuing that list in my next 'links' post!


*A friend once described me as an 'Internet Person' and I bloody loved it.
 

Today's Blog Every Day in May prompt is 'Step Out of Your Comfort Zone' so it seems like a good day for this post.*

As I said in my first BEDM post, I care what other people think of me. I think everyone does, and of course that's a good thing to a certain extent; if we didn't care at all we'd probably all behave like absolute w*nkers the whole time. But personally I think it'd do me good to care just a bit less.



As a teenager I used to really care about what others thought. To the point where I'd be scared to wear newly-purchased clothes or put make up on in case people noticed and didn't like it. Now, this has improved a lot but I still find myself holding back when it comes to silly things like clothes choice, or other stuff like posting on here, putting myself in potentially awkward social situations, and generally standing up for myself.

I've decided to do a little experiment. In situations where I feel awkward about 'expressing myself' (bleugh) I'll try and act as if I don't care what people think. I'm interested to see how this pans out; will I be able to do it? How will it feel? How will people actually react? What will I end up doing?

I'll let you know...


*I know that's not exactly what's meant by the prompt, but I don't care anymore! SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

I really enjoyed doing Photo An Hour, I will most definitely be joining in again (if I remember). If you also joined in please leave me your link so I can have a nosy!

I am not a sporty person. I lack co-ordination and balance, and grew to hate team sports because I feared letting my team down. I have dodgy knees and running hurts. Yet, somehow, I have managed to exercise 3-4 times a week since Christmas (and do quite a lot before that too). How the frick did that happen?

The short answer: I made myself do it.

The long answer:
I try to think of it like going to work. As in, sometimes I don't want to exercise, but I make myself go just because that's what I need to do. Like work, I don't go if I'm really, really ill but that's about it. Also like work, I always feel a sense of achievement afterwards. Having said that...
I make it as easy as possible. My gym is five minute walk from my flat, which doesn't really give me an excuse not to go... even if it's raining.
I separate food/weight and exercise in my mind. I am terrible with food. As in, I eat a lot of it. Some of it's healthy, some of it really isn't. In the past I've fallen into the trap of exercising to lose weight. Which works... until I overeat then decide that there's no point in going to the gym because I've fucked up anyway. Exercising for fitness means I keep going even if I've fallen off the wagon food-wise.
I try and remember that I won't die. When experience finally taught me that, no matter how terrible I felt during spin, I wasn't actually going to have a heart attack it became a lot easier to push myself!


So that's it really. I sort of hate doing posts like these, because I am no expert, and also who actually wants my advice?! But I figured I should actually try and follow a #BEDM prompt properly for once! Right, I'm off for a run.*

*JOKING. I don't run. I just wait for the next bus.

This post ain't gonna be pretty.

Whenever I see 'What's in My Bag?' posts, they're always beautifully shot. They often feature Mulberry handbags, MAC lipsticks and a Filofax for organising one's blogging schedule. I, however, refuse to spend more than £20 on a bag, don't wear lipstick, and have about 70 Bloglovin followers (and therefore no need for a schedule).

I've seen a couple of blog posts recently suggesting that protesting against the forthcoming cuts is a pointless/aggressive/ridiculous thing to do. I wholeheartedly disagree.

But it's just going to turn into violence. Let's get one thing straight. Protesting is not the same as rioting. I do not condone violence or criminal damage. I know that there are inevitably going to be some people who become violent during peaceful protests, but I don't think that's a reason for condemning all protesters.

But the election was fair. Yes, the Conservatives were elected into power. I am not saying that the election was fraudulent. I'm saying that it's still perfectly legitimate for people to disagree with Tory policies, and they have the right to voice this, regardless of the election result.

But there haven't even been any cuts yet. Well, actually there have, where have you been for the last five years?! And even so, there will be cuts, they've been promised (and politicians never break their promises). So anger about austerity is based in reality.

But there are more effective ways to help. Do those as well then.

But it's not going to change anything. Honestly, I agree. It might not, but would it be any better to just shut up instead? That definitely won't change anything.


Am I going to protest? Maybe. I was thinking about joining the End Austerity Now demo, but there are a few elements of The People's Assembly's manifesto that are sticking points for me, and I don't want to march for something I don't 100% agree with. It's something I need to think about properly. But even if I don't do it myself this time, I most definitely defend the right of other people to do it.

Obviously certain media outlets will probably just focus on any violent element that emerges, in order to demonise the marchers, but that's a whole other post...

And, the week without the dedication to #BEDM! I still managed three posts this week (I think) but I've strayed waaaaaay off topic and haven't been very dedicated to looking at other people's Blog Every Day in May posts. This week!

The last couple of posts have been pretty heavy, so... Books! Whenever I read a book review, I basically just skip to the bit where it says recommend/not recommend. So I figured I'd cut the crap and just write mini reviews. Also, I'm lazy.

I am expensive. For the last five years I have had acute mental health problems and I've cost the NHS a lot of money.

On my behalf, the taxpayer has forked out for: many GP appointments; years of daily medication; weeks of in-patient treatment; several A&E visits; three years of psychological therapy (an unusually generous offering); four emergency service call outs; home visits; a year's worth of support from a social worker; six weeks of intensive out-patient treatment; about six months of sick pay (I work in the public sector).

But, like a terrible shampoo advert, I'm worth it.

From a purely economic perspective, I believe that I will 'pay back' what I have 'taken'. Because of the support that I have received, I am able to financially contribute again. I work in the public sector, I pay tax. I can afford to rent privately, so I'm not reliant on social housing. My therapy has enabled me to make real change, so I am far less reliant on mental health services that I used to be. I no longer need the support of a social worker. I am stepping down my medication. I fully believe that, over the next 30 years, the taxpayers' investment in me will pay off.

And, actually, even if it didn't make financial sense, I'm still worth it. Because I'm a person, and my life is as important as anyone else's. Because we should look after vulnerable people, even if it means making personal sacrifices, because it's the right thing to do.

I am now deeply, deeply concerned. I consider my story to be a success story. One where the NHS largely stepped up to the plate and served me well, and where the state has done it's job. I'm one of the relatively few lucky ones. I have been incredibly lucky to have had the support of a wonderful social worker, and a therapist who has helped me to turn my life around. The allocation of therapy that I have received has been far, far beyond what is typical, and without it I would not be functioning anywhere near as well as I am now. I would go as far as to say that, without it, I might not even still be alive.

Some of my experiences, and the experiences of my friends, serve as 'failure stories'; stories that show what can go wrong when services become over-stretched:

• I know far too many people who have been reliant on mental health services for 10 years+ because they have never been given the intensive input they need to make lasting changes. These are people who are desperate to be well, and to be able to realise their potential. 


• Earlier this year I called an ambulance and was put on hold. For an ambulance. I then waited (alone, distressed, and dangerously impulsive) for nearly an hour for it to turn up [yes, it was a necessary call out, I acted on the advice of NHS Direct]. 


• During my first psych admission, a young woman died on the ward. Obviously this is not a 'never event', but it was a very busy night and the staff were incredibly over-stretched. To this day the idea that this might possibly have been preventable makes me so, so angry and upset. What a waste of a life. 

If even one more person dies because of cuts to mental health services, then we have (been) failed. And they will. 

I'm so disappointed. I've cried several times today. I'm gutted for myself and my colleagues in working in education, for the disabled children that I support at work, for mental health services and the NHS in general, for my friends who are dependent on social housing and DLA...and on it goes...

I also realised this morning that I need to give myself a kick up the arse. I bitch and moan about cuts and austerity but in practical terms I do very little, except vote. I need to put my money where my mouth is (or my mouth where the money isn't HAHA). Even if it's just signing a more petitions, making sure I'm properly informed about what's going on, and actually going out and protesting. I owe that to myself, and to everyone else that the government doesn't give a shit about.

This doesn't need to be a long post because everyone's already written it, and said it better than me. Gemma's written a great post with a few good ideas for getting started.

I'm crying again. Fuck them. Moaning just isn't enough anymore.

I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone else's posts from today, am always happy to add something new to my ever-growing Bloglovin feed...

P.S. If you want to catch up, you can see all my #BEDM posts here!