Things I Learned from Reading Sweet Valley High Books #2

Question: what can you get for 30p these days? Answer: THIS...




I love an opportunity to revisit my amazing terrible preteen reading material... Admittedly I had to abandon almost every principle I hold dear (feminism, a love of quality literature, not being racist) in order to read it, but I learned SO MUCH.

Expanding my knowledge and wisdom through the medium of Sweet Valley High books truly is an enlightening experience. Here's what I learned this time around:

1. The pinnacle of being a beautiful US citizen is being white and thin, with long blonde hair; Both girls had the same sun-streaked blonde hair, the same sparkling blue-green eyes...they were generously blessed with all-American good looks.

2. Women (sorry, children) love a good bit of street harassment; Whenever she was out walking, she never failed to attract a good deal of attention from passing cars. The more the better, she thought, swinging her hips a little as she set off.

3. Suggesting to a woman (sorry, child) that you might rape her is kind of sexy; Jessica squirmed with pleasure at having been selected as Rick's companion for that afternoon... 'Just so long as you don't fight too hard,' said Rick, 'I'm not used to taking no for an answer'.

4. It doesn't matter how wonderful your personality is, if you are overweight then no-one will ever be attracted you, and you should feel ashamed of yourself; 'You want to know the sort of girl people fix me up with? It goes like this: 'Win, I've got a girl for you!What a personality!' That always means two hundred and fifty pounds and two-foot-five! I have to put her hamburger on the floor so she can reach it.'

I...just... There are no words. Babysitters Club FTW.