This post was originally going to be part of a series where I'd talk about the changes I want to make in my life, but I've since decided to abandon (or at least delay) this series. However, I think I want to write something about body image now. I don't really know if what I have to say is relevant to anyone else, but I'm just going to be honest about how I feel and see where I end up. Right now I'm not sure if this is brave or stupid, but I'm just going to try and write then not edit it too much. Here goes nothing...
|One of the only recent full-length photos I could find.|
I look at photos of myself from when I was 16, and I can see that although I felt fat, I was thin. I know that my perception was skewed then, so in theory I know that it's probably skewed now. But I just can't believe this deep down. WHY?
I absolutely love food and eating. If I could accept myself with a few wobbly bits, and continue to exercise as often as I do now, I could be a healthy weight and eat more or less what I want without feeling bad. Yet I keep making myself feel guilty for eating. WHY?
The irony of all of this is that the thing I hate the most is probably the fact that I spend so much time thinking about this. The logical part of my brain tells me that I should just decided what size I want to be, work out it's associated food/exercise requirements, get to that size, then use my brain for something more important. But I can't quite accept the way I am now, and I can't quite change it. WHY?
I say horrible things to myself about how fat and ugly I am. I have been through periods of binge eating and then making myself sick, even though I know that this is bad for me (hell, bulimia can even cause heart failure). WHY?
I also know that a woman is far more than her body shape, dress size or BMI. I read fashion blogs by beautiful women of all shapes and sizes, and I genuinely think that they all look fabulous, yet I absolutely cannot apply these compliments and believes to myself. WHY?
On reflection, I should have just called this post 'WHY?' but that's not a very informative title.
Does any of this ring true for you? I can't be the only one (I hope!). Better still, does anyone have any answers for they 'WHYs'? Do do you just think I'm a whining bitch that needs to STFU feel grateful that this is all I have to worry about? (I'm totally aware of how 'first world problems' this whole post is!)
I'll be having a proper think and, later this week, I'll post some thoughts on what I might do about all this...